Friday, October 28, 2005

The sci-fi stylings of Stephen Colbert

Possibly the funniest thing to come out of The Colbert Report is his awesomely horrible Tek Jansen science fiction series (the "current" book is Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure). It reads like it was written by an over-the-top 13-year-old who's read too much John Varley. Here's an excerpt:
Chapter 26 - Abraxxia's Gambit

The ethereal harmonies of the laserpipe orchestra echoed off the solid diamond walls of the Galactic Overlord's pleasure chamber. As I slowly made my way through the gyrating throng of human, plasmid, and arachnoid revelers, the arcanite sensors on my integrated detectograph started going haywire. "Just as I thought," I thought. "She's here."

It was another two hundred ticks until I saw her, dancing languidly with a spice runner out of Betelgeuse VII. He was a hulking brute, with a wickedly edged macrosword slung over the back of his metaluminum armor, the kind that would have struck cold fear into the heart of a lesser man. But I was no lesser man. "Mind if I cut in?" I intoned, silencing the smuggler's enraged grumble of objection with a stealthy blast from my deliminator rifle.

"What took you so long?" cooed Abraxxia, her words subtly quavering with the universal inflections of desire. Ignoring my own fierce need, I furiously scanned my surroundings for danger -- she was crafty, and I knew that the slightest mistake would prove fatal. Not just for myself, but for the entire United Alliance. Inevitably, my gaze settled back upon the smooth curves of skin that peeked out from under her transparent holodress. How many rounds of Uranian Megasex would it take before she surrendered the alloy?

Link to video of Stephen reading another chapter - it's a little before three minutes in. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The rest of the book is being published, I read some on, and its' pure delight.

6:28 PM  

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